The Sky is Yellow...Because I Said So

Emotional Crisis
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I really just dont know what to do anymore. I dont think she understands the full reason im going back to school. I wanna have an amazing life with her i want us to have great jobs doing what we love and a nice house that we call home and most importantly i dont want her to ever have to "want" for anything. I wanna be able to give her whatever she wants because shes the most amazing woman on the face of the earth shes my everything and she deserves it. My classes start January 14th and honestly ever since i registered this morning we've done nothing but fight, and i was playing around with her and called her dumb(which with me as long as im smiling n laughing is not meant to be an insult) and it really hurt her feelings. I didnt mean to, especially not to her, shes one of the most intelligent people i know, when she tries. i've tried talking to her but no matter what i say she still feels like im "moving on" with my life and leaving her behind because shes not in school. Which most definitely is not the case, getting an education is changing my life for the better and i want to share that with her, but she's so caught up in her paranoia that im gonna cheat on her because ill be out and about more that she cant be happy for me and support me. Honestly, i really dont know if we can stay together if she isnt supporting me an cheering me on...i love her with all my heart but my education is so important to me and i just cant be happy with someone who is just gonna drag me down. I really dont want this to be the downfall of our relationship because i wanna spend the rest of my life with her...but what kind of life will that be if im stuck working shitty ass jobs working way too hard for way too little? Im not gonna do it, my grades were way too good in high school for me to settle for some hamburger flippin, grease cleaning, waitressing job. Im the kind of person that needs to be independent and able to take care of myself and not have to depend on anyone else, it absolutely makes me miserable living down here in her dads basement. I need my own space thats actually MINE and i just dont think she understands that...she is perfectly happy being 20 years old living in her dads basement and not having a job. By all means if that makes her happy she should keep on doing it....but me...i just cant live like this much longer, and im afraid we're too different to be happy afraid shes not gonna put forth the effort to make it work and get a job and pursue a career thats gonna make her happy. i could never say this to her but i spend a lot of time thinking "what if something happens to her dad?" then what....she has nothing to fall back on and its just not smart for her to waste such a valuable time in her life doing nothing. im afraid if i push her too hard she'll think im bitching and nagging, but i just want to see her be happy and successful, she has so much potential and i hate to see her waste it this is the time in her life where she should be out there getting an education and experiencing life to the fullest and cramming her brain with information, i know i sound like a mother, but damnit she needs someone to push her and motivate her. She could do anything she sets her mind to and i dont really care what she chooses but not choosing just isnt an option that i can deal with. i dont want to give her an ultimatum, but its really stressing me out.

Back To School Jitters (Damn i thought that was over)
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So tomorrow i go to Pellissippi to register for my classes and im so excited and scared to death all at the same time. I was awesome in school kept good grades but ive been out for almost a year now and im kinda nervous that im gonna fuck up. Its all on me now 100% im 19 years old and this isnt gonna be high school anymore its college and no one really gives a shit whether you make it or not...i mean i never really had a problem with school but atleast in high school i knew that if i was struggling there was always someone there to help...i guess its just the thought of not having a safety net anymore, being out of my comfort zone and jumping into the great unknown. i just feel like my whole future is riding on these next few years and the classes i take and the grades i make...i guess i never really sat down and took time to think about the pressure that hits you when you go into this again. im not having doubts or anything im not gonna back out i just may have heart failure the first day....>.<

the new look =)
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new hair n percingnew hair n peircing

loving the new look i feel so much more comfortable in my own skin its amazing what a hair cut can do for the confidence!!!

Writer's Block: Like mobile for chocolate
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If you had to give up either chocolate or your mobile phone forever, which would you sacrifice?

the chocolate would defintiely have to go hands down!!!i go weeks without  chocolate but i cant go 5 minutes w/o my phone i get pissy just thinking about it

Writer's Block: Take this job and shove it ...
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Have you ever walked off a job on the spot? What drove you to it? Did you regret it afterwards?

i worked at a food city once when i was 17 and at the time i was living with my grandfather who was diagnosed with lung cancer taking care of him. My mom text me while i was at work and said he was taking his lasts breaths and when i told the manager i needed to leave and why he said if i couldnt come back and finish my shift not to come back at all so i threw my name tag in his face called him a stupid bitch and walked out. My papaw died later that day...

(no subject)
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Lately ive been growingly more and more restless with the way im living my life. Im in love with the most amazing woman in the world. I'm not living with either of my parents. I've got a job my own car, but i just feel like somethings missing. I need some own stability. I need to know that i am capable of taking care of myself, and right now im just not feeling it. I hate depending on other people i cant stand it in fact it makes me so miserable i could just die. I feel like im constantly walking on pins and needles and cant relax...i guess it doesnt help that my whole life everytime i relied on someone and needed someone there they screwed me over. I just get irritated at the situations i get myself into sometimes i want so badly to be on my own completely own apartment own job thats not some seasonal bullshit. i feel so suffocated and trapped. Ive been seriously stressing about money and shit lately. i hate the feeling of impending doom i get from having a seasonal job and knowing im not gonna have a job soon. here i am in north knoxville all by myself with no safety net. the seasonal job thing really bothers me its like standing on a trap door that you dont know what is underneath and watching a timer count down the long drug out hours until it opens and sends you freefalling into helplessness...

Writer's Block: Honesty is such a lonely word
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Do you think honesty is really the best policy when it comes to relationships? Is total honesty possible, let alone desirable?
Two people can be happy in a relationship as long as they both are under the impression that total honesty is there but the moment one thinks the other is hiding something paranoia sets in and the partner that feels shut out starts feeling insecure about themselves and their relatonship. This is why most people would rather just not know or choose to be oblivious to rather obvious problems in a relationship that have to do with honesty.

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I was just a kid...he had no right to steal that from me. The only thing i wanted was for him to like me. I was nine years old....and i had no idea what he was doing. He killed my innocence, my childhood. Looking back now what happened explains so much that ive gone through in my life and all the problems ive had with myself, but i repressed the memory shortly after it happened and didnt discover it for a long time, and the worse part was having all these problems and not knowing why i had them because then the only person there was to blame was me. I had so much anger and such a problem with trusting people and there was no apparent reason why. But then when i was 16 he reappeared in my life and i remember exactly the way it felt to see him standing there with that smile. Yeah...i remember that could i forget it. It was the smile of someone who had taken something so precious from an innocent child and enjoyed every minute of it. He knew what he was doing and he knew it was wrong but he did it anyway, and i have to live with the scars everyday of my life. I get the privilege of waking up everyday and knowing that there is a person out there who took advantage of me and manipulated my mind and body for his own sick pleasure. I get to experience what its like to hold in the pain and the hurt that comes along with being treated like a piece of meat by someone who is supposed to be a friend and a guardian most of all a brother. It was so traumatic that my own brain wouldnt let me recall it for 7 years...and i hid it from the whole world 3. That smile...couldnt have been more evil if it had been attached to the devil himself. Sometimes when im sleeping i can see his face in my dreams and i can feel his hands around my neck choking the life out of me and i wake up gasping for air. The thing i remember the most are his eyes. They were big and dark and when i see them in my dreams and when i found them in his picture they drain the life right out of me. I can literally feel his cold black eyes sucking my soul right out of me. I just cant wrap my head around how you could do that to an innocent nine year old girl and live with yourself everyday. I guess some people really dont have a conscience...its a shame. To all the girls and all the women out there who have been victims of a similar crime I strongly encourage you to speak out against the one who put you through such a horrible thing and I urge you to do it while its not too late. No one deserves that...

The Sea
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There once was a girl who drowned in the sea,
because she couldnt be what she needed to be,
she tried so hard to make everyone believe,
but in the end they just couldnt perceive,
the problems and changes she had inside,
the demons she dedicated her life to hide,
how sad it must be to live that way,
internal struggles everyday.

Before she jumped she made a plee,
a wish, a cry, a demand to be free,
its just that easy,if only,
she hadnt spent so long being lonely,
she might've known how to open up,
she might've been able to give a fuck,
the prolonged exposure to constant hate,
were the evil lips that sealed her fate.

While it was only a metaphor that she drown,
she sat and watched her world crumble down,
the darkest secret a soul can keep,
bottled inside held way down deep,
takes a toll even the strongest cant handle,
he put her out like a flickering candle,
there once was a girl who drowned in the sea,
what no one knew was that girl was me...


Writer's Block: Go it alone
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Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?
I think the pressure society puts on a person about this is ridiculous, and would also like to point out that a lot of the pressure is related to western culture. I'm physically unable to have kids AND a lesbian and my mothers biggest complaint is that she wont get any grandkids from me, completely ignoring the possibility of adoption, and the fact that my brother has 3 kids!!! Why is it so important for a woman to make and pop out a baby when there are millions of children already in the world who dont have families that love and care about them or food or shelter!!! why would you want to bring another child into that kind of world?


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